Birth Story for "B"

On Thursday, June 6, I was at a "Pregnancy Sucks" party where I received a phone call from the hospital informing me that my C-section was scheduled for that Saturday and I was to come in for pre-admittance on Friday.  I had gone as overdue as they would let me hoping a V-Bac would occur but no real labour started on its own and induction isn't allowed for moms who have had a previous C-section. 

Saturday morning, around 5:30am, Cole and I left the house (my mom was in town to watch K), took a last pregnancy photo and walked to the hospital.  It would have been more impressive if the hospital was further away than a 10 minute walk.  Normally there are labour pains to prepare your mind for your impending child, so walking in pain free and being told you will meet your baby in a couple hours felt incredibly strange.  I was prepped for surgery and thankfully got the first slot since the OR was booked solid that day.  I got to experience all the things I was in too much pain to notice with K during that C-section prep.  I had more time to feel apprehensive and was much more aware of everything happening around me.  The spinal tap was a breeze this time since I wasn't 10cm dilated being asked to sit still and lean forward. 

My anaesthesiologist and nurses provided small talk while they set me up for the surgery in the OR.  I experienced a whole host of what I'm told are normal reactions to the anaesthetic, which I don't remember from K's birth, but perhaps 30 hrs of labour has made my memory on those kind of details hazy.  Cole entered the room with my doctor and surgeon and before I knew it I was hearing that the baby would be out in a minute and I hadn't even realized they had started cutting me open.  They lifted up the baby for Cole to see and he announced it was a girl.  I felt an overwhelming warmth and joy and a calming impression that this wasn't random.  They brought her over to the place where they clean her up and Cole cut (or for the purposes of a C-section, shortened) the umbilical cord and she was held up for me to see.  She looked so much like K at that point.  She weighed in at 8lbs 2oz, 20 inches long.  Everyone commented on how big she was but she seemed tiny to me because K was 9lbs 8oz, 21.5 inches long. 

They let me hold her while I was on the table being sewn back up, which I didn't experience with K- not sure why.  But it was so nice to start the bonding then- it also helped distract me from what was still taking place in the surgery and made it feel more like a birth experience for me.  She was so alert and constantly had her hands up to her mouth sucking.  She didn't really cry.  We were surprised to see her blue eyes and reddish hair. 

When we went back to my hospital room, the horrific process of recovering from a C-section started.  I don't want to spend time recording those lovely details because it's the worst part.  I much preferred being attended to by the nurses who had experienced it themselves- the drugs were more on time and the empathy was real. 

Things I will record for memory: my surgeon informing us that it was a blessing I didn't go into labour.  My uterine wall was dangerously thin and probably would have ruptured had labour started on its own.  He says pregnancy should continue to not be a problem but labour can never be an option now.  Early C-sections will always have to be scheduled.  But he said he's had patients where he's performed 7 C-sections, so he doesn't feel the need at this time to put a cap on how many kids we have.  Now I'm not saying by any means that I want to have 7- but it's nice to know we get to pick the amount, not my surgeon.  I loved my surgeon this time around.  The one I had with K I didn't even meet till my post partum check up.  I even had an infection from the long labour last time and ended up back in the hospital for a couple days- didn't see her then either.  But the surgeon I had this time talked to me outside the OR, in the OR, and in my hospital room 3 different times.  He also made sure I had enough pain meds.  He was awesome.  Awesome.  I also had one really great nurse, Andrea I think her name was, who helped a lot with breastfeeding.  B was really great and latched on right after the birth but we needed some help with holds so that she had more nutritive sucking. 

One awful side effect of a C-section is the liquid diet they put you on.  I almost lost the will to live last time on it.  This time, since I knew I was having a C-section, I made some homemade soup on Friday for Cole to bring me.  It was a broccoli cheddar soup with lots of veggies and I made sure to puree it so it would be liquid.  I got permission to eat it from my nurse and enjoyed it for the next two days.  I will remember that for next time. 

Something I definitely want to remember is K and B meeting for the first time.  K was so excited and sat very still to be able to hold her.  She was so enamoured and very gentle and didn't want her taken away.

I'm grateful for my mom being able to come for the whole weekend and watch K so Cole could stay with me the whole time.  I'm grateful for those who came to visit in the hospital.  I'm grateful for the nice note sent up with my tray from a friend who works in the hospital.  I'm grateful for having the experience and confidence to not let doctors or nurses scare me this time.  Mostly I have had great experiences with them, but occasionally, the things they say can scare you as a new mom.  Not so much this time. 

B is much more a momma's girl than K ever was.  She is very forth coming with her emotions and not very patient.  If she is hungry, I have less than a second to get her milk before she melts down- she's proving to be quite dramatic.  She has a very lusty cry- thankfully, she only really uses it when hungry.  She is a very happy baby and even smiles already.  She is a decent sleeper.  She does not love the swing like K did.  She likes to cuddle and be held, especially by me.  It means there are not many opportunities to put her down to get things done or play with K right now.  But I know that won't be forever.  She takes a soother.  She eats more than I knew newborns could eat.  She "talks" a lot- especially in her sleep and when she has hiccups.  She holds her head up very well and loves looking around.  She tries desperately to move forward when she is on the ground at tummy time.  She loves to have her fists up at her face, especially when eating or sleeping.  She has very fair colouring.  For the first couple weeks she often looked crosseyed when trying to focus- I thought it was hilarious.  Thankfully, her two longest sleeping stretches are at nap time (K's nap time) and the first part of the night when Cole and I go to sleep.  She happily switches from bottle to breastfeeding.  She loves sleeping in the co-sleeper.  She's a pro at bath time.  Hasn't cried once yet.  K is awesome in water but started off screaming at bath time.  That didn't last long but B has always been super relaxed in the bath- even at the hospital. 

For every other major stage in my life I have felt too young or unprepared or scared.  This was my first experience where (even though I was still nervous) I felt more sure of myself.  I felt ready and capable and adult.  I thought I had been changing diapers and doing laundry for the past two years but it turns out I was growing up.  Parenting is really just your best educated guess applied to many different situations, but this time around I knew that.  I also knew I had the ability to keep a child alive, and happy...well mostly happy.  This time around I was already a mom.

Blessed Bottles and other Honest Reminders for my Upcoming Self

The first time I gave birth I was thrown into a brand new world completely unaware- like all first time moms.  Over the last year and a half, I have gained some insight, learned a few things and become more confident in a few areas and I hope those lessons can help carry me through this next childrearing experience.  But I know post partum hormones can kick anyone's butt and I thought it might be good to record these conclusions now in case I start to forget them in the whirlwind of becoming a mom for a second time.  If any of my musings can help anyone who is experiencing what I have already experienced, great- if you cannot relate, move on- this is intended specifically for me.

Lesson One: Breastfeeding alone does not make you a good mom

My mom breastfed all of us for a year each and although I had no judgments one way or the other about how a mother feeds her baby, I expected to do much the same as my mom.  What I learned was that breastfeeding isn't always a beautiful bonding experience.  And in fact, for me, it never was.  I also was unprepared for the pressure I felt from the outside world, and more surprisingly, from within myself, to continue breastfeeding even though I was miserable.  I was mercifully spared any serious post partum depression, except when it came to breastfeeding.  I hated it.  I went through 30 hours of long, hard labour that resulted in a c-section and I would gladly have relived that experience ten times over if it meant I could have avoided the turmoil of breastfeeding.  Of course this is a ridiculous thought because I could have avoided the turmoil of breastfeeding.  I could have just stopped.  But when a new mom is experiencing a barrage of pressure and guilt about how to best raise her baby, she will often remain unhappy in order to do what she thinks is expected of her.  And with all the articles, nurses, doctors, other moms and facebook links stating BREAST IS BEST out there, I felt I had no good excuse to stop.  I was producing enough milk.  Yes I was in constant pain and I hated the process, but I had the milk so shouldn't I use it?  

But here is what I have learned and hope to remember the next time around.  Breast is best is not true- at least, it's not the whole truth.  Of course breast milk is ideal for your baby- it's nature's perfect food.  But breast is ONLY best when it is best for the mom as well.  If we were living in a pre-formula world- then yes, suffer through.  Your baby depends on it.  But this is the 21st century- feeding your baby is no longer an issue so don't make it one in your own home.  Whether or not your breasts produce all the milk you need is no gage for if you should be breastfeeding.  If you want to stop breastfeeding for whatever reason and have access to formula for your baby- then stop.  If you are having trouble breastfeeding but wish to continue, there are all kinds of resources and help for you.  But if you are like I was, drop the guilt and do what makes you happy.  You will be a much better mother for it.  When I finally stopped breastfeeding all together, it felt like the clouds had parted and the sun was shining in my life again.  I loved my baby, I loved feeding time now and I felt so good.  I didn't miss breastfeeding for one moment and couldn't believe I had allowed myself to remain so miserable for four months.  My baby didn't love me less or more because I chose to breastfeed or chose to stop.

 I had a really difficult time bonding properly in the beginning of K's life because all babies do in the those early months is eat.  I would cry at almost every feeding and wish I was anywhere else.  I had to go back to the hospital 11 days post birth for an infection from the long labour before the c-section and was secretly happy to be separated from K.  I felt incredible guilt at having those feelings and didn't share them at that time, but I was relieved to have a respite from breastfeeding.  Friends and family sympathized with me about how hard it must have been to be away from my new baby so early on and I agreed with them but I was lying.  It wasn't hard- I was so happy to be away from breastfeeding.  I remember talking to my mom and she was telling me to put K back on the breast at every visit so my milk would keep up- nothing had ever sounded so awful to me before.  My mom loved breastfeeding, she didn't understand what I was going through and didn't know how to comfort or support me the way I needed.  Even my husband had more advice about how to keep up breastfeeding. In fact, all I ever seemed to hear was about how to soldier on.  No one ever said it's ok if you want to stop.  It's true you don't require anyone's consent for any of your parenting decisions but in reality, you often need to hear the support to have the strength to make hard choices.

But here's the thing I've learned: the mom knows best.  It doesn't matter if your mother or your husband or your whole world doesn't understand.  Find the strength within to trust your instincts and do what makes you happy.  There is a difference between struggling with breastfeeding and hating it so much you don't want to be with your baby because of it.  I knew stopping breastfeeding would make me happy but I was scared to do it.  Every mom needs support when making parenting decisions and there is a lot of support out there for moms who are struggling with breastfeeding and want to continue.  I think there needs to also be support out there for moms who want to give it up as well.  I had a hard time finding that support.  So I hope sharing this experience can help support those who are going through the same thing.  Good moms can choose to bottle feed for whatever reason they want- anyone who wants to make you feel bad about that doesn't deserve your time.  Don't let the bad feelings come from within either.  There are enough things to worry about as a parent- feeding your baby doesn't have to be one of them.  This lesson above all else is what I hope to remember this time around.  I intend to try breastfeeding again because I know each child can be different.  But four months is too long to be that unhappy again.  So these thoughts have been left for my future self to grasp to in case the same thing starts to happen again.

Lesson Two: You Will Feel Like a Couple Again

I'm not sure this will be relevant the second time around since this is child #2 not #1 so I will keep it short.  I was unprepared last time for the feelings of loss I felt when it came to my marriage.  In the very beginning, I resented the way K's presence interrupted Cole's and my relationship.  She was all consuming and I felt like I had lost something I cherished dearly.  What helped last time was sharing those feelings with my husband- turns out he felt some of the same things.  Also, time.  The first few months are overwhelming but it doesn't last.  Routines emerge, hormones regulate and time again is carved out for marriage.  You will feel like a couple again, just wait.

Lesson Three: Be Kind to Yourself

Remember it takes 40 weeks to put that weight on and losing weight is never as easy as gaining it so don't expect to be magically transformed anytime in the first few months.  Also, don't expect to be magically transformed.  It takes hard work and discipline and then a lot of time.  Yes there seem to be people out there that shed it quickly and with no effort.  Those people hail from a different planet than yours so should not be brought to any comparing party.  Remember what did and didn't work the last time and also remember that you will feel normal again.  Your body will never be completely the same, but it's been through war and no one who goes through war is ever the same again.  Be kind and gentle; work hard and give it time.

At the Time of Becoming a Big Sister...

Pretty soon my world is going to grow by one and the days of it being all about K will be over.  I wanted to preserve, while all my attention is still on her, this stage in her life as she is about to become a big sister. 

K is 20 months- she will be almost or already 21 months by the time her brother or sister comes. 
She loves to say "Hi": she will say hi to all who pass by our house as she stands on the deck.  Every morning she greets Cole and I with "hi, hi, hi, hi, hi".
K has finally embraced speaking and loves to try new words and say the names of things she knows. 
She has decided "mom" isn't necessary and uses "dad" for both of us. 
She loves loves loves to help with chores...unless they are hers.  She loves to help her dad with dishes, and me with laundry.  She hates to clean up her toys or her snack if she spills it unless it's liquid and she can wipe it up with a cloth- she loves that.
K loves parenting her baby doll.  She "ssshhh"es her to sleep, wraps her in her blankie, feeds her, holds her, pats her back, etc.
She loves cell phones and shoes.
K loves horseplay, climbing and dangerous acrobatics- right now she loves trying out her dangerous acrobatics with her new high heeled play shoes.
She adores the water and practising her swimming skills.  She loves to go under the water and kick.
K is good about trying a variety of foods but isn't a huge eater, which is surprising considering how tall she is growing.
She loves treats and snacks and sharing.
She still doesn't like to sit still, even when eating. 
She loves Sesame Street- she brings the remote to us and asks for her "show".
She still loves to dance everytime there's music.
K is super excited when Cole comes home or when she goes to find the parent on the weekend who has been allowed to sleep in.
K points to her injuries and says "oush"- we love the "sh" instead of "ch".
She loves to squeal and scream.  We don't so much- it's getting very loud.
Her favourite activity is probably going to the park to go down slides and practice new climbing challenges (ladders, etc).
She loves animals and can't pass a dog without goign to say hi.  Loves to point at cats and say "I see a cat. Meow".

Mother's Day 2013

K so excited for the new baby...although may not completely realize
how real the baby will be.  I think she thinks we're playing
pretend.

Ucluelet/Tofino: Our Before 3 Becomes 4 Trip

We spent the last weekend in Ucluelet/Tofino as a family to acknowledge the end of this phase of our lives and the beginning of a new one.  Baby #2 is due in less than 4 weeks and a whole new journey is upon us.  Cole and I spent a weekend in Tofino two years ago when I was 6/7 months pregnant with K.  I was brave and we went camping.  This time around I thought that was a little much for me to handle since I am 8 months pregnant and have a toddler.  So we stayed in a suite/cabin in Ucluelet: the Reef Point Forest Suite at the Wild Pacific Water Front Cabins. 

We spent our time getting too much sun at the beaches and enjoying our favourite lunch spots and having Kailey free evenings (she went to bed very well both nights).  We cooked ourselves some delicious dinners: there was a toaster oven, microwave, bbq (with a side burner) and we managed quite well without the stove/oven.

grilled steak with garlic compound butter, roasted garlic mashed potatoes and roasted veg

BBQ wild sockeye salmon with a lemon dill aioli, a pesto linguine and bruschetta

homemade dark chocolate mousse with whipped cream and raspberries (made with only the side burner of the bbq and the mini fridge...pretty good right?)

We also enjoyed some delicious food at Tacofino and the Wildside Grill, both found in the parking lot of the Live to Surf lot in Tofino (after Long Beach, before downtown).  Both establishments were highlighted on the Food Network- Tacofino on "Eat St" and Wild Side Grill on "You Gotta Eat Here".  Tacofino is our favourite- everything is excellent.  No bad order to be made.  I love the burritos- this time I went pork.  Cole had the fish burrito and the fish tacos.  K had a gringa- great option for a child that cant eat a whole burrito or deal with the complexity of keeping a taco from falling apart while eating it.  We tried the diablo cookie for the first time this visit and it was to die for.  The lime mint freshie was also a revelation once you get past the first sip that almost blows your tastebuds out with how fresh it is.  Then it is simply delightful- I love fresh mint and lime.  Wildside Grill is great for burgers, fish and chips and tacos, among other things.  They had a seafood chowder this time that was delicious.  You can never go wrong with seafood anything in Tofino.  

We spent some time at the beach outside our cabin in Ucluelet and also at Incinerator Rock and Long Beach in Tofino.  It was far warmer than I was expecting and even got burned a bit on Saturday.  The downsides to the trip were that 8 months is an exhausting time to travel and K had not one, but two carseat puking experiences.  I think she gets carsick.  With one exception, she's only ever thrown up in the car.  Such a gross process to clean everything.  We were more prepared the second time around because her carseat had already been stripped down so Cole mostly just had to hose it off.  Still, so gross!

beach near our cabin

building sandcastles with daddy

being brave in the water with her new water shoes

smiley girl

Ta-Da!

beautiful beach

she was happy playing at this beach and warmed up very quickly- not so much at the beaches in Tofino the next two days...maybe it was because we had this beach all to ourselves

Incinerator Rock Beach

little crabby

not so happy to play on her own this day

Long Beach for lunch on Sunday

still smiling even after she fell down in the ocean

Two videos of K playing at the Ucluelet beach found here and here.

April 24, 2009

Yesterday marked 4 years for Cole and I as a married couple.  The day wasn't particularly lovely, but I knew that ahead of time.  We are moving in a few days and needed to pack.  We did go out on a date last weekend when my mom was here to babysit and next weekend we are going to Tofino for a couple nights- so we're counting those as our celebration.  Yesterday we packed boxes, dealt with a cranky toddler and ate pancakes for dinner, but four years ago we woke up in Seattle and prepared to get married.  Here are some of the memories from that day:

The weather was beyond nice for April- so sunny that we had squinting and shadows as issues while taking pictures.

We booked the last slot for getting sealed (married forever) in the Seattle Temple so we didn't have to feel rushed (I think it fell somewhere around 1pm), but my mom still woke me up early that morning.

Meeting Cole's younger siblings over breakfast at the inn we all stayed at the night before.  They came in late the night before so I still hadn't met them.  I was standing around the continental breakfast table with his sisters chatting it up and none of us realized who the other was until I saw Carter, his youngest brother, and thought that boy looks a lot like Cole.  When he joined their party, I realized I had been talking to my sisters-in-law.

So many people travelled to Seattle to support us even though not all of them were able to go into the temple and we really felt their love.  We didn't have our reception in Seattle- it wasn't until the next night in Vancouver, so a lot of them came out just to wait for us to come out of the temple, take pictures, say congrats and leave again. 

Because we got married around lunch time and then spent a couple hours taking pictures, Cole and I were starving when we left the temple grounds and our first outting as a married couple was the drive-thru at Jack-in-the-Box.  Our dinner reservations weren't until much later that night.

The Olympic Fairmont Hotel is still one of my favourite hotels I've ever stayed in.  So beautiful.  Cole's cousin works for the chain and got us a great deal and we even got upgraded.  His cousin's wife is a photographer and took all our pictures that day as well.  We really appreciated both of those contributions.

I LOVED having our marriage ceremony and wedding reception on two different nights.  It will always be one of my favourite things about the whole weekend.  It's such an overwhelming experience, it was so nice to just be alone with Cole after we took pictures and take time to just enjoy the rest of the day.  Cole made surprise reservations to at the Space Needle's (he always calls it the Space Shot) revolving restaurant, Sky City.  Our wedding dinner was spent at a table for two revolving slowly above Seattle.  It was the most expensive dinner of my life to date but we planned ahead of time for that and enjoyed every minute.  I think we started with crab cakes, Cole got surf and turf and I got the prime rib.  We ended with 3 scoops of housemade sherbet, which cost like $12 but to this day I still think about it.  It was the most delicious sherbet of my life (which it should be for $4 a scoop).  A table nearby had a couple of older women and they asked our waiter if we were celebrating a special occasion because we were "glowing" and he told them we got married that afternoon.  One of the women went to the gift shop, bought a disposable camera and took our picture for us and gave it to us a wedding gift.  Unfortunately, none of those pictures developed properly- too dark.  But it was a very nice thought. 

Memories that seem even sweeter while I sit uncomfortable at 35 weeks pregnant and get on my 1 year old for making trouble while our house is a mess of boxes and all she can do is get in trouble....

Happy Anniversary to us!

Coming out of the temple married

first of many kissing photos that day

all the people that travelled to Seattle for us

Boquet, back of dress, hair

part of the gardens on site

front of dress, boquet

bride

rings

groom

Fairmont Olympic hotel

Fairmont Olympic hotel

My favourite picture

5 Years

Cole's birthday is today and it made me think of when we started dating.  We became a couple a week before his 20th birthday 5 years ago.  It's amazing to think how much has happened in those 5 years- we dated, got engaged, got married, lived in 3 different cities together, created 2 babies together, I graduated university, Cole is more than half way through his degree... Some days it feels like all I do is laundry, dishes and diapers but when I step back a little- my twenties have been pretty full. 

Here is a look at our first year as a couple (you'd think because we were together for a year before we got married there would be more pictures...but we were never really camera people)...

The weekend we became an official couple- a YSA conference in Nanaimo, where we now live

On our way home from the conference- Mrs Riches Mountain Burgers (this was end of March 2008- we got married April 2009 and Jacqueline and Justin *not dating in the picture yet* married November 2012)

Carefree and Silly

Rainy Saturday afternoon at Cole's apartment

Cole meeting my parents (note: I had already lived in Victoria for a few years but this was the first time my whole family felt the need to come visit me....)

Cole's first trip to Vancouver to see my family- on the skytrain to the PNE

I think this was during our Thanksgiving trip to Vancouver

First Christmas together- Engaged and both living in Vancouver now

Engagement Picture

Engagement Picture

....also known as the best looking year of our relationship....

Escape Artist Part 2

Yesterday morning I heard K chatting away in her crib- a sign I usually have a few more minutes to lay in bed before getting her.  But before I knew it I heard a bang and a loud scream.  I rushed into her room and found her standing on the ground...outside her crib. 

I had just spent the last couple weeks agonizing and debating about whether we should move her into a toddler bed when we move to a new place in May or if we should wait till after the baby is born when she's closer to 2.  I eventually decided that I was going to keep her in her crib as long as possible.  We wouldn't need the crib for the baby for a while because he or she will be in the bassinet in our room for quite a while. 

This has pretty much been my experience for every transition K has gone through.  I stress out about the timing and then when I've decided to wait a little longer, she goes and does it even faster than expected.  I had never anticipated that she'd need a toddler bed before May.  She's not even technically 18 months.  K never got the memo that as long as we are still counting her age in months, she can feel free to still act like a baby. 

Toddler Bed Setting

So now we felt even if K wasn't quite ready for a big girl bed (or we weren't), it wasn't safe to wait any longer.  She has no real fear when it comes to acrobatics and we were worried she may injure herself in a serious way if we continued to let her stay in her crib.  This escape left her with a scratch on her forehead and a big red mark on her ribs.  We thought we should quit while we were still ahead.

Cole switched her crib into the toddler bed setting yesterday before nap time and K had her first two sleeping experiences in her new bed.  (We will buy her a new toddler bed when we move into the new house and put this bed back to a crib for the new baby).  During nap time she climbed out of the bed a few times and took a little while to go to sleep and then only slept for an hour and half.  That night she took an hour to fall asleep, spending most of that time crying while I periodically sat by her bed with her.  She didn't climb out once during the night, which we were really impressed with.  She did wake up a couple times after she fell asleep but it's hard to know if we can blame the bed switch since she's also got a cold right now and every time she woke up it was after a coughing attack- so she may have woken up upset even if she was still in her crib.  After I gave her some tylenol at her 4am coughing attack, she slept till 8.  Today's nap went really well- she only climbed out once right after I put her in her bed and after that went straight to sleep and slept for 3 hours (a long nap by K's standards). 

I feel happy and sad that she's adjusting.  I'm glad she feels secure enough to make this transition quickly and do something that probably makes her feel a little nervous.  I'm sad that it's happening so soon.  There doesn't seem to be much that's still "baby" about her.  It's all happening much faster than I'd like- she seems to be in a hurry to grow up.