The first time I gave birth I was thrown into a brand new world completely unaware- like all first time moms. Over the last year and a half, I have gained some insight, learned a few things and become more confident in a few areas and I hope those lessons can help carry me through this next childrearing experience. But I know post partum hormones can kick anyone's butt and I thought it might be good to record these conclusions now in case I start to forget them in the whirlwind of becoming a mom for a second time. If any of my musings can help anyone who is experiencing what I have already experienced, great- if you cannot relate, move on- this is intended specifically for me.
Lesson One: Breastfeeding alone does not make you a good mom
My mom breastfed all of us for a year each and although I had no judgments one way or the other about how a mother feeds her baby, I expected to do much the same as my mom. What I learned was that breastfeeding isn't always a beautiful bonding experience. And in fact, for me, it never was. I also was unprepared for the pressure I felt from the outside world, and more surprisingly, from within myself, to continue breastfeeding even though I was miserable. I was mercifully spared any serious post partum depression, except when it came to breastfeeding. I hated it. I went through 30 hours of long, hard labour that resulted in a c-section and I would gladly have relived that experience ten times over if it meant I could have avoided the turmoil of breastfeeding. Of course this is a ridiculous thought because I could have avoided the turmoil of breastfeeding. I could have just stopped. But when a new mom is experiencing a barrage of pressure and guilt about how to best raise her baby, she will often remain unhappy in order to do what she thinks is expected of her. And with all the articles, nurses, doctors, other moms and facebook links stating BREAST IS BEST out there, I felt I had no good excuse to stop. I was producing enough milk. Yes I was in constant pain and I hated the process, but I had the milk so shouldn't I use it?
But here is what I have learned and hope to remember the
next time around. Breast is best is not
true- at least, it's not the whole truth.
Of course breast milk is ideal for your baby- it's nature's perfect
food. But breast is ONLY best when it is
best for the mom as well. If we were
living in a pre-formula world- then yes, suffer through. Your baby depends on it. But this is the 21st century- feeding your
baby is no longer an issue so don't make it one in your own home. Whether or not your breasts produce all the
milk you need is no gage for if you should be breastfeeding. If you want to stop breastfeeding for
whatever reason and have access to formula for your baby- then stop. If you are having trouble breastfeeding but
wish to continue, there are all kinds of resources and help for you. But if you are like I was, drop the guilt and
do what makes you happy. You will be a
much better mother for it. When I
finally stopped breastfeeding all together, it felt like the clouds had parted
and the sun was shining in my life again.
I loved my baby, I loved feeding time now and I felt so good. I didn't miss breastfeeding for one moment
and couldn't believe I had allowed myself to remain so miserable for four
months. My baby didn't love me less or
more because I chose to breastfeed or chose to stop.
I had a really difficult time bonding properly in the beginning of K's life because all babies do in the those early months is eat. I would cry at almost every feeding and wish I was anywhere else. I had to go back to the hospital 11 days post birth for an infection from the long labour before the c-section and was secretly happy to be separated from K. I felt incredible guilt at having those feelings and didn't share them at that time, but I was relieved to have a respite from breastfeeding. Friends and family sympathized with me about how hard it must have been to be away from my new baby so early on and I agreed with them but I was lying. It wasn't hard- I was so happy to be away from breastfeeding. I remember talking to my mom and she was telling me to put K back on the breast at every visit so my milk would keep up- nothing had ever sounded so awful to me before. My mom loved breastfeeding, she didn't understand what I was going through and didn't know how to comfort or support me the way I needed. Even my husband had more advice about how to keep up breastfeeding. In fact, all I ever seemed to hear was about how to soldier on. No one ever said it's ok if you want to stop. It's true you don't require anyone's consent for any of your parenting decisions but in reality, you often need to hear the support to have the strength to make hard choices.
But here's the thing I've learned: the mom knows best. It doesn't matter if your mother or your husband or your whole world doesn't understand. Find the strength within to trust your instincts and do what makes you happy. There is a difference between struggling with breastfeeding and hating it so much you don't want to be with your baby because of it. I knew stopping breastfeeding would make me happy but I was scared to do it. Every mom needs support when making parenting decisions and there is a lot of support out there for moms who are struggling with breastfeeding and want to continue. I think there needs to also be support out there for moms who want to give it up as well. I had a hard time finding that support. So I hope sharing this experience can help support those who are going through the same thing. Good moms can choose to bottle feed for whatever reason they want- anyone who wants to make you feel bad about that doesn't deserve your time. Don't let the bad feelings come from within either. There are enough things to worry about as a parent- feeding your baby doesn't have to be one of them. This lesson above all else is what I hope to remember this time around. I intend to try breastfeeding again because I know each child can be different. But four months is too long to be that unhappy again. So these thoughts have been left for my future self to grasp to in case the same thing starts to happen again.
Lesson Two: You Will Feel Like a Couple Again
I'm not sure this will be relevant the second time around since this is child #2 not #1 so I will keep it short. I was unprepared last time for the feelings of loss I felt when it came to my marriage. In the very beginning, I resented the way K's presence interrupted Cole's and my relationship. She was all consuming and I felt like I had lost something I cherished dearly. What helped last time was sharing those feelings with my husband- turns out he felt some of the same things. Also, time. The first few months are overwhelming but it doesn't last. Routines emerge, hormones regulate and time again is carved out for marriage. You will feel like a couple again, just wait.
Lesson Three: Be Kind to Yourself
Remember it takes 40 weeks to put that weight on and losing weight is never as easy as gaining it so don't expect to be magically transformed anytime in the first few months. Also, don't expect to be magically transformed. It takes hard work and discipline and then a lot of time. Yes there seem to be people out there that shed it quickly and with no effort. Those people hail from a different planet than yours so should not be brought to any comparing party. Remember what did and didn't work the last time and also remember that you will feel normal again. Your body will never be completely the same, but it's been through war and no one who goes through war is ever the same again. Be kind and gentle; work hard and give it time.
I'm not sure this will be relevant the second time around since this is child #2 not #1 so I will keep it short. I was unprepared last time for the feelings of loss I felt when it came to my marriage. In the very beginning, I resented the way K's presence interrupted Cole's and my relationship. She was all consuming and I felt like I had lost something I cherished dearly. What helped last time was sharing those feelings with my husband- turns out he felt some of the same things. Also, time. The first few months are overwhelming but it doesn't last. Routines emerge, hormones regulate and time again is carved out for marriage. You will feel like a couple again, just wait.
Lesson Three: Be Kind to Yourself
Remember it takes 40 weeks to put that weight on and losing weight is never as easy as gaining it so don't expect to be magically transformed anytime in the first few months. Also, don't expect to be magically transformed. It takes hard work and discipline and then a lot of time. Yes there seem to be people out there that shed it quickly and with no effort. Those people hail from a different planet than yours so should not be brought to any comparing party. Remember what did and didn't work the last time and also remember that you will feel normal again. Your body will never be completely the same, but it's been through war and no one who goes through war is ever the same again. Be kind and gentle; work hard and give it time.
