Body, Mind and Spirit

I've been absent from the blogging world for quite a while now.  Just over a year ago, I went through something traumatic, horrific, pick your adjective.  For a while, I tried to continue as normal but slowly I started realizing that wasn't working.  I felt like I was drowning so I started to try to make myself lighter- I asked to be released from my church calling, I took a step back from my social life, I lowered my expectations of myself to around those of a mom of a newborn.  If I could brush my teeth and make sure my kids were fed and clean, I got a gold star for the day.  A lot of days were hour by hour.  Some days were better.  And that was my life for the better part of last year.  I found a support group, got some one on one counselling, and started to try to heal.  It was really hard because so much of my being was consumed with this trauma, it felt so weird to try to be normal for the rest of the world.  It wasn't the kind of thing that I could share with everyone so there was a certain amount of covering up the wound when I went out into the world. 

Everyone is different in how they choose to share during these kinds of situations- some people like to open up to everyone, some are more selective.  I had certain requirements for sharing: I wasn't willing to burden anyone who was currently dealing with their own difficult circumstance; I had to trust their spouse if they had one (I don't expect people to keep things from their spouse);  I wanted someone who had been through something just as difficult so they could empathize with me and share what they had learned and not just look at me with pity; and lastly, I needed someone with whom I already had a completely safe relationship.  Someone with whom I could be 100% honest, and open and not worry about relationship conflicts.  And for me, in my life, outside of Cole, my parents and the different professionals, I found one person who fit that list.  And it felt like a miracle.  I have many friends and family who knew I was going through something hard but didn't know what.  I know I have even offended at least one in not sharing.  But even though I only told one person what was going on with me, I am so grateful for all those who respected my privacy and continued to love and support me regardless of the fact that I chose not to divulge my problems.  Those who continued to check in with me to make sure I knew they loved me and were there if I needed them, made last year bearable.  And even now, I'm not ready to share with more than just that one person.  But I would like to share some of the recent healing things in my life. 

Once the darkness and fog started to dissipate, and I was able to move beyond an hour to hour existence, I found some things that have made me feel whole again.  I tried different physical activities and exercise, throwing myself into a deeper spiritual study- but while they helped, I still felt locked out of my life.  The effects of the physical and spiritual nourishment were short lived and not as potent as I remembered them being.  I then stumbled onto an interview of a woman from my church who found her way back to God through Buddhist meditation.  It stuck with me and when I was feeling at a loss of how to help myself, I decided I needed to try to make meditation a part of my daily life.  I had dabbled in it before but never integrated it into my regular schedule.  I watched a few tedtalks on meditation (I liked THIS one and THIS one and THIS one) and made a plan.  I was going to start my day with what the Buddhists call Anapana Sati Meditation-a mindfulness exercise centered around breathing.  Usually you sit in silence but I wanted some way to keep track of the time without looking at a clock or having a jarring alarm go off so I play gentle meditation music in the background for the set amount of time (on an ideal day, 15 minutes but sometimes as short as 5).  After that, I close with the a few minutes of Metta (Loving-kindness) mediation.  I followed THIS guided video the first time and then just did it in my mind after that.  I followed my meditation with my spiritual study and then at some point during the day, ideally right after, physical exercise.  Finding the balance between the three- mind, spirit and body - brought new healing into my life, like I had been let back into my life.  This entire month I felt like a brand new person and the results have been convincing enough that my month long goal is now a life long goal.  So that is my long winded but vague explanation of my absence.